Onionized #3

• Arby's CEO Arrested With Trunk Full of Stolen Horsey Sauce: "When the arresting officer approached the car, Mr. Smith was behaving strangely and the officer detected a strong, spicy odor," said Georgia State Patrol spokesperson Tim Courson. "Upon inspection of the vehicle, the trooper discovered that the trunk contained what appeared to be a large quantity of uncut, pure-grade Horsey Sauce."

• Co-Worker Not Nearly As Fun Drunk As Originally Suspected: "Nick probably had about five shots during the first half hour we were at Leary's [Tavern], and then he started muttering under his breath," said tech support specialist Michael Derrone, who may have been told to "go fuck" something by Bianchi, though Derrone was uncertain.

• Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb: The news, plus a little intelligent discussion from experts in the field (sarcastic, look at their job descriptions, "barista" is cute).

• Eagles Fans Give McNabb Three-Week Deadline To Win Super Bowl: Haha, this is a shout out to all those Eagles fans, you know who you are, who will proclaim Donovan as being the most McNabbulous quarterback of all time one week and then post bounty for his head the following week. Wait, who am I kidding, did I just say week?? Whoops! I meant quarter.